My brave path to authentic motherhood

Let’s start with the darkness so we can move into the light. It was a warm summer evening and my husband and I had tucked our daughter into bed. Our nightly ritual in the summer months is to sit together in our adirondack chairs on our front courtyard, watch the world go by and have time to connect at the end of the day. So seemingly the evening was no different than any other, except I had a truth boiling in me that I couldn’t hold in any longer. That truth was that I knew something was off with our daughter, and she needed more from us, but what she needed was totally unknown to me.

So I sat there curled into a tight ball in my chair, barely looking at him, while I uttered the confession the changed everything.  “Life can’t be this hard” It was a phrase I thought a million times a day. It would pop into my head as I was trying to brush her beautiful long brown hair, and she would scream so loud neighbors could hear.

It would come into my mind when I’d try to give her a different type of waffle for breakfast, and she would be brought to screaming tears because it wasn’t what she expected. It definitely came to mind as I did the daily battle to get her dressed, trying with all my might to ensure we had the right pair of pants that she loved and the socks that didn’t make her cry over the seams. Life can’t be this hard became my battle cry that I spoke silently to myself until that moment, that moment when I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore.

Now you may be thinking, doesn’t her husband notice all these continuous meltdowns throughout the day? Well, the truth is…not really. At the time he travelled for his job more than he was home most weeks. His job took him away 3-4 nights of every week, so that meant that he simply didn’t see what was truly happening in our home on a daily basis. What he knew was the weekends, when I wasn’t juggling my work, our young daughter and all the things. Weekends were more laid back and relaxed, so our daughter was too, she had us all together which has always been what makes her most happy. Honestly, he didn’t know what he didn’t know, until that moment in the courtyard.

In that moment, curled tightly into my ball as the light was fading from the day, I couldn’t keep the hardships to myself anymore. Every seemingly small moment was adding up, and I knew this wasn’t the parenting experience most Moms were having. Or if it was, this was crazy that no one was talking about it. So I chose to be brave that night, I chose to say what was on my heart in the simplest & truest way I knew how. I confessed to my husband “Life can’t be this hard” and for me it was a way to finally admit that we can’t keep going as we were. I couldn’t keep up knowing that every morning she’d cry, scream and fight for me to not drop her off at her preschool, because I’d been doing that for 9 months, and it was ripping my heart apart. I couldn’t have the same fights over clothing, because it was simply exhausting and felt never-ending. Life can’t be this hard was my way of saying, I know there’s something more to this, but she’s 3 and I don’t have the answers. I simply know this way of living, this pace and this intensity is too much, and something must change.

Admitting that I didn’t have the answers was a huge challenge for me. It took my stubborn mind many decades to see how much perfectionism ruled my life. I was a good girl, I always did the right thing, followed the path that was expected of me, and honestly everything had a way of working out for me. Even going thru IVF to have our daughter. I followed every step they said, every shot perfectly timed, I did it all – and I was gifted with the beautiful daughter I had always dreamed of.

But our picture of life honestly looked nothing like the version I painted in my mind for all those years. It’s gut-wrenching to have to admit that you don’t have the answers for how to support the daughter you fought so hard to bring into the world. But it was our truth. And in that moment, curled up on the courtyard, I was forced to choose. I could cling to the perfect idealist life I had created in my mind – the way I thought like should be, or I could admit I didn’t know the answers, and see where that unknown path would take me. I didn’t have a choice, I was being forced to choose, and the answer wasn’t an easy one.

Looking back that moment of admitting I didn’t have the answers was a dark night, but it was also the moment everything changed. In that moment I had to release control, the fictious control I never had to begin with, but couldn’t see in that moment. I wanted to have the answers, I was the person that in order to ask a question, I already wanted to have the answers. But that’s the thing with mental health challenges, it’s all shades of grey – and this girl loved her black and white. It was a moment of admitting I didn’t know how to parent & support my own daughter, I didn’t have all the answers and most of all I wasn’t finding a way to balance it all. There were few times in my life leading up to now that that was the case. Where I couldn’t work harder, or dig in my stubborn heels to find a way. This wasn’t those times and I was quickly learning that. Afterall I’d spent the last 3 years going from one meltdown to another catastrophe, and frankly I was burnt out. I was at the end of my rope, and couldn’t picture life continuing at this pace, it was simply too much.

So in the dark I admitted those 5 words “life can’t be this hard” and I thought my world would end, because if I didn’t know the answers for my daughter who did? But that’s the truth of it all. When I admitted I couldn’t take anymore and gave up the glossy ideal that simply because I’m her mom I should inherently have all the answers – the real truth rose up. In the moment I saw it was a moment of defeat, but that’s not even slightly the case. Instead, two things happened.

One – for the first time in my life I listened to my intuition. My mom-intuition told me this is all too much, you have tried and fought so hard for 3 years, you need more support. When I finally put my perfectionism and control aside, my intuition could be heard, and this changed everything.

Secondly – It was the first of many times in our years ahead, when I was able to see that releasing the expectation of having the answer, and instead honoring our needs in that moment, allows beauty to rise from the darkness.

Neither my husband or I had the answer, but the truth was life was too hard, and it had been for a long time. We were ready for help, guidance and support. The truth was we didn’t even know what that would look like. While we didn’t have an answer, we came up with the idea of calling a good friend with a behavioral health practice. She asked me what I saw happening, comforted me in confirming that life should not be this hard – and pointed us to an occupational therapist for our daughter to see. This one conversation changed everything. It began our journey of mental health, finding practitioners to support our beautiful young girl, exploring practices we never knew existed, and asking questions we didn’t know the answers to.

It took 5 simple words “life can’t be this hard” to force me onto the brave path I was meant to follow. We have a family motto we’ve adopted over the years in our house “We can do hard things” and honestly, we remind ourselves of this often, because it’s the truth. For us the “easy path” would have been ignoring the signs, shoving away my intuition and fighting for the way I thought life would be. But the truth is, as hard as the last 10 years have been, I wouldn’t change a thing. Its shaped and formed us into the incredible family I’m so proud to be a part of today. We’re more open minded, empathetic, compassionate and authentic than I’d ever realized was possible. We’ve found wholehearted authentic living, and it’s not full of rainbows every day, but that’s ok. We can do hard things because I was right about one thing…“life can’t be this hard.”

Now you may be thinking, doesn’t her husband notice all these continuous meltdowns throughout the day? Well, the truth is…not really. At the time he travelled for his job more than he was home most weeks. His job took him away 3-4 nights of every week, so that meant that he simply didn’t see what was truly happening in our home on a daily basis. What he knew was the weekends, when I wasn’t juggling my work, our young daughter and all the things. Weekends were more laid back and relaxed, so our daughter was too, she had us all together which has always been what makes her most happy. Honestly, he didn’t know what he didn’t know, until that moment in the courtyard.

In that moment, curled tightly into my ball as the light was fading from the day, I couldn’t keep the hardships to myself anymore. Every seemingly small moment was adding up, and I knew this wasn’t the parenting experience most Moms were having. Or if it was, this was crazy that no one was talking about it. So I chose to be brave that night, I chose to say what was on my heart in the simplest & truest way I knew how. I confessed to my husband “Life can’t be this hard” and for me it was a way to finally admit that we can’t keep going as we were. I couldn’t keep up knowing that every morning she’d cry, scream and fight for me to not drop her off at her preschool, because I’d been doing that for 9 months, and it was ripping my heart apart. I couldn’t have the same fights over clothing, because it was simply exhausting and felt never-ending. Life can’t be this hard was my way of saying, I know there’s something more to this, but she’s 3 and I don’t have the answers. I simply know this way of living, this pace and this intensity is too much, and something must change.

Admitting that I didn’t have the answers was a huge challenge for me. It took my stubborn mind many decades to see how much perfectionism ruled my life. I was a good girl, I always did the right thing, followed the path that was expected of me, and honestly everything had a way of working out for me. Even going thru IVF to have our daughter. I followed every step they said, every shot perfectly timed, I did it all – and I was gifted with the beautiful daughter I had always dreamed of.

But our picture of life honestly looked nothing like the version I painted in my mind for all those years. It’s gut-wrenching to have to admit that you don’t have the answers for how to support the daughter you fought so hard to bring into the world. But it was our truth. And in that moment, curled up on the courtyard, I was forced to choose. I could cling to the perfect idealist life I had created in my mind – the way I thought like should be, or I could admit I didn’t know the answers, and see where that unknown path would take me. I didn’t have a choice, I was being forced to choose, and the answer wasn’t an easy one.

Looking back that moment of admitting I didn’t have the answers was a dark night, but it was also the moment everything changed. In that moment I had to release control, the fictious control I never had to begin with, but couldn’t see in that moment. I wanted to have the answers, I was the person that in order to ask a question, I already wanted to have the answers. But that’s the thing with mental health challenges, it’s all shades of grey – and this girl loved her black and white. It was a moment of admitting I didn’t know how to parent & support my own daughter, I didn’t have all the answers and most of all I wasn’t finding a way to balance it all. There were few times in my life leading up to now that that was the case. Where I couldn’t work harder, or dig in my stubborn heels to find a way. This wasn’t those times and I was quickly learning that. Afterall I’d spent the last 3 years going from one meltdown to another catastrophe, and frankly I was burnt out. I was at the end of my rope, and couldn’t picture life continuing at this pace, it was simply too much.

So in the dark I admitted those 5 words “life can’t be this hard” and I thought my world would end, because if I didn’t know the answers for my daughter who did? But that’s the truth of it all. When I admitted I couldn’t take anymore and gave up the glossy ideal that simply because I’m her mom I should inherently have all the answers – the real truth rose up. In the moment I saw it was a moment of defeat, but that’s not even slightly the case. Instead, two things happened.

One – for the first time in my life I listened to my intuition. My mom-intuition told me this is all too much, you have tried and fought so hard for 3 years, you need more support. When I finally put my perfectionism and control aside, my intuition could be heard, and this changed everything.

Secondly – It was the first of many times in our years ahead, when I was able to see that releasing the expectation of having the answer, and instead honoring our needs in that moment, allows beauty to rise from the darkness.

Neither my husband or I had the answer, but the truth was life was too hard, and it had been for a long time. We were ready for help, guidance and support. The truth was we didn’t even know what that would look like. While we didn’t have an answer, we came up with the idea of calling a good friend with a behavioral health practice. She asked me what I saw happening, comforted me in confirming that life should not be this hard – and pointed us to an occupational therapist for our daughter to see. This one conversation changed everything. It began our journey of mental health, finding practitioners to support our beautiful young girl, exploring practices we never knew existed, and asking questions we didn’t know the answers to.

It took 5 simple words “life can’t be this hard” to force me onto the brave path I was meant to follow. We have a family motto we’ve adopted over the years in our house “We can do hard things” and honestly, we remind ourselves of this often, because it’s the truth. For us the “easy path” would have been ignoring the signs, shoving away my intuition and fighting for the way I thought life would be. But the truth is, as hard as the last 10 years have been, I wouldn’t change a thing. Its shaped and formed us into the incredible family I’m so proud to be a part of today. We’re more open minded, empathetic, compassionate and authentic than I’d ever realized was possible. We’ve found wholehearted authentic living, and it’s not full of rainbows every day, but that’s ok. We can do hard things because I was right about one thing…“life can’t be this hard.”

So in the dark I admitted those 5 words “life can’t be this hard” and I thought my world would end, because if I didn’t know the answers for my daughter who did? But that’s the truth of it all. When I admitted I couldn’t take anymore and gave up the glossy ideal that simply because I’m her mom I should inherently have all the answers – the real truth rose up. In the moment I saw it was a moment of defeat, but that’s not even slightly the case. Instead, two things happened.

One – for the first time in my life I listened to my intuition. My mom-intuition told me this is all too much, you have tried and fought so hard for 3 years, you need more support. When I finally put my perfectionism and control aside, my intuition could be heard, and this changed everything.

Secondly – It was the first of many times in our years ahead, when I was able to see that releasing the expectation of having the answer, and instead honoring our needs in that moment, allows beauty to rise from the darkness.

Neither my husband or I had the answer, but the truth was life was too hard, and it had been for a long time. We were ready for help, guidance and support. The truth was we didn’t even know what that would look like. While we didn’t have an answer, we came up with the idea of calling a good friend with a behavioral health practice. She asked me what I saw happening, comforted me in confirming that life should not be this hard – and pointed us to an occupational therapist for our daughter to see. This one conversation changed everything. It began our journey of mental health, finding practitioners to support our beautiful young girl, exploring practices we never knew existed, and asking questions we didn’t know the answers to.

It took 5 simple words “life can’t be this hard” to force me onto the brave path I was meant to follow. We have a family motto we’ve adopted over the years in our house “We can do hard things” and honestly, we remind ourselves of this often, because it’s the truth. For us the “easy path” would have been ignoring the signs, shoving away my intuition and fighting for the way I thought life would be. But the truth is, as hard as the last 10 years have been, I wouldn’t change a thing. Its shaped and formed us into the incredible family I’m so proud to be a part of today. We’re more open minded, empathetic, compassionate and authentic than I’d ever realized was possible. We’ve found wholehearted authentic living, and it’s not full of rainbows every day, but that’s ok. We can do hard things because I was right about one thing…“life can’t be this hard.”

Admitting that I didn’t have the answers was a huge challenge for me. It took my stubborn mind many decades to see how much perfectionism ruled my life. I was a good girl, I always did the right thing, followed the path that was expected of me, and honestly everything had a way of working out for me. Even going thru IVF to have our daughter. I followed every step they said, every shot perfectly timed, I did it all – and I was gifted with the beautiful daughter I had always dreamed of.

But our picture of life honestly looked nothing like the version I painted in my mind for all those years. It’s gut-wrenching to have to admit that you don’t have the answers for how to support the daughter you fought so hard to bring into the world. But it was our truth. And in that moment, curled up on the courtyard, I was forced to choose. I could cling to the perfect idealist life I had created in my mind – the way I thought like should be, or I could admit I didn’t know the answers, and see where that unknown path would take me. I didn’t have a choice, I was being forced to choose, and the answer wasn’t an easy one.

Looking back that moment of admitting I didn’t have the answers was a dark night, but it was also the moment everything changed. In that moment I had to release control, the fictious control I never had to begin with, but couldn’t see in that moment. I wanted to have the answers, I was the person that in order to ask a question, I already wanted to have the answers. But that’s the thing with mental health challenges, it’s all shades of grey – and this girl loved her black and white. It was a moment of admitting I didn’t know how to parent & support my own daughter, I didn’t have all the answers and most of all I wasn’t finding a way to balance it all. There were few times in my life leading up to now that that was the case. Where I couldn’t work harder, or dig in my stubborn heels to find a way. This wasn’t those times and I was quickly learning that. Afterall I’d spent the last 3 years going from one meltdown to another catastrophe, and frankly I was burnt out. I was at the end of my rope, and couldn’t picture life continuing at this pace, it was simply too much.

So in the dark I admitted those 5 words “life can’t be this hard” and I thought my world would end, because if I didn’t know the answers for my daughter who did? But that’s the truth of it all. When I admitted I couldn’t take anymore and gave up the glossy ideal that simply because I’m her mom I should inherently have all the answers – the real truth rose up. In the moment I saw it was a moment of defeat, but that’s not even slightly the case. Instead, two things happened.

One – for the first time in my life I listened to my intuition. My mom-intuition told me this is all too much, you have tried and fought so hard for 3 years, you need more support. When I finally put my perfectionism and control aside, my intuition could be heard, and this changed everything.

Secondly – It was the first of many times in our years ahead, when I was able to see that releasing the expectation of having the answer, and instead honoring our needs in that moment, allows beauty to rise from the darkness.

Neither my husband or I had the answer, but the truth was life was too hard, and it had been for a long time. We were ready for help, guidance and support. The truth was we didn’t even know what that would look like. While we didn’t have an answer, we came up with the idea of calling a good friend with a behavioral health practice. She asked me what I saw happening, comforted me in confirming that life should not be this hard – and pointed us to an occupational therapist for our daughter to see. This one conversation changed everything. It began our journey of mental health, finding practitioners to support our beautiful young girl, exploring practices we never knew existed, and asking questions we didn’t know the answers to.

It took 5 simple words “life can’t be this hard” to force me onto the brave path I was meant to follow. We have a family motto we’ve adopted over the years in our house “We can do hard things” and honestly, we remind ourselves of this often, because it’s the truth. For us the “easy path” would have been ignoring the signs, shoving away my intuition and fighting for the way I thought life would be. But the truth is, as hard as the last 10 years have been, I wouldn’t change a thing. Its shaped and formed us into the incredible family I’m so proud to be a part of today. We’re more open minded, empathetic, compassionate and authentic than I’d ever realized was possible. We’ve found wholehearted authentic living, and it’s not full of rainbows every day, but that’s ok. We can do hard things because I was right about one thing…“life can’t be this hard.”